country rain

the city rain
grows a smile
under my umbrella
bustled CEOs
with three dollar bargin protection
from the wind
walking so fast
and i, four paces behind
on purpose

suburban children
sitting by windowsills
running the list of
rainy day activities
searching the skies
for a chance to
go out and play again
or children
desperate to pounce in puddles
on purpose

but the country rain
best by far
cuddled on a porch swing
under a blanket
watching the storm
casts your soul
on a one way trip
bound for hush
draws sleepy contentment
to your eyes
makes you thankful
creates desire
to stop time
on purpose

country rain
soft and slow
fast and flooding
anger with lightning
designed
to bear you closer
strip you down
on purpose

i enjoy city rain
and how it exposes true personalities
i cannot belie suburban rain
or the hopefullness it brings
the joy on the childs face
spinning and playing
but the country rain
has captured my soul
and I will fail to reclaim it
on purpose

better now

I’m allowing myself to breathe again,
to be creative, to say what I want and mean it.
To not regret (again) to do what I know is right
and know that no one has any grounds to make me feel crazy for it.
There are still things I’d like to say to him,
still things that I want him to know and feel.
But I’m beginning to understand a boy
simply can’t comprehend the realities of the world,
the responsibilities of a man.
The idea of owning up to how you've wronged people,
what you've done, hell who you've done.
Honesty and Compassion. Emapthy.
He says he’s happy and I am happy for him,
he’s found some poor soul that has something he wants.
Experience, three years tacked onto his own,
a penchant for depressive mood swings
and a vice for smoking (she “gets him” you see)
and he’ll take it, if not from this particular girl, from another,
he’ll take it he’ll drain everything, at whatever cost,
crying phone calls and teary messages, and
“I can’t leave things like this” -
”I don’t know if I can live without talking to you without you in my life.”

And she’ll go back, time and time again,
again against her better judgment,
and then when he is finally sure he’s gotten it all,
years down the road -
he’ll leave with the careless disregard of a child,
of a coward.

And as such won’t offer any sincerity
to her to help her suffering to ease her confusion,
but instead talk to her like they barely knew each other,
like all she had been to him was an acquaintance from high school
issuing veiled courtesies of
“I’ll call this week and we’ll have to catch up.”
And he won’t, it just doesn’t suit him you see,
it will interfere with his next reinvention.

And after all how can you be happy with your new self,
and your new life
when you’re forced
to look upon the people that you’ve disregarded,
that you’ve mistreated,
that you have cowardly slinked away from
simply to get where you are.
Simply because, as a coward,
you don't want face up to what you were,
what you really are,
and what you’ve done to people that love you.

I feel sorry for her.
And I hope, her added years
have offered her enough experience to spot a child,
when she sees one.

And as for me?
I’ve been down that road, I have been that girl,
and I have found the pieces of me that I let him stifle,
I have found my back bone again,
I have found someone that is worth my love,
I have realized that a girl in love will believe almost any lie
and I’ve had to learn how to handle
the regret that comes from knowing you gave up
four important years,
a lifetime of love
and yourself to absolutely nothing at all.
A waste when you realize
through all of it
you really couldn’t help him turn
into a human being
after all.

jeans

i fit myself into you
like jeans 2 sizes too big
filled in the gaps with my ideals
dreams
for safe keeping

i played the part
you yearned for
the part
you needed
played the game
your way

so long
I became accustomed to it
married the solitary feeling
the notions and procrastinations
bedded the idea
of tomorrow
of some day

molded my world
around what I thought
we were creating
together

never realizing
i was alone in this
you never intended to fit yourself into me
never intended a give and take
so i was left
with clothes too big for just me
and dreams that had fallen
into the corners of tiny pockets
making friends with the lint

new is the new... new

moved us out of our house
packed up our memories in cardboard
yours too
had to
you left me to do it alone
while you were finding yourself
issuing promises
over phone lines and dial tones
of a happy return
packed up those hopes and dreams
packed a little love, just in case
moved out and left you there
left the memories of rainy movie days
pajamas, blankets, tea and sleepy smiles
left them
and moved

i sold the car
packed it with memories
that time we broke down on the side of the interstate
rode back to the house we shared
in the cab of the tow truck
me in the middle of you and the driver
a life of bad decisions
on him and his tongue
the dog on your lap
the weight of 3 years between us
packed it with memories
songs we listened to
packed it with memories
times we kissed
packed it with memories
and sold it

i got a new house
huge with enough space for your ego
instead I fill it with my independence and creativity
splash it on the walls where ever I want
without your judgment
i make new memories here
things you hated
no whine parties
just museums, theatre,
taboo nights and movie marathons
couches and chairs overflowing with friends
nothing about it reminds me of you

i bought a new car
bright and blue and everything you'd hate
cd player plays all the music
that would make you groan
as loud as i want
nothing about it reminds me of you

i systematically forgot why i had ever loved you
that it was I thought you had
that was special
i found a new love
and remembered what it was about him
that was special
and nothing about him
reminds me of you

pinocchio

you like the way she makes you feel
the dreamy tone of your voice
betrays you
she makes you feel
strong
healthy
normal
in contrast
like a real boy

i make you feel
quiet saddness
guilt
for who you were
before your
reinvention
she is a beautiful disaster
makes you feel like home

what it took to get a smile

a kind word
a soft smile
and a playful eye

a caring heart
an unblemished soul
and a cleansing rain

lack of progress

i spend all night avoiding sleep
and you
i've spent all morning avoiding work
and you

it seems
i can do none of the above
effectively

showers

the water hits
like a thousand pins
making me remember
when you stood behind me
when we first saw each other bare

constantly

i wish i never met you
and i miss you
with equal and growing intensity
every moment
of my existence

one trick pony

fires can be lit
more than once
glass can be melted
more than once
boys can be ignited
more than once
love can be sparked
more than once

but you?

flame

you’re trying to
rationalize your way
out
of the hole you dug
the bed you made
by saying
it can never be
that way
again
true
and you
will find it
impossible
to replace
me
replace
my particular flame

here

here I am - almost
1 AM
straining to wish
the door open again
listened to you leave
so naive
to think
I hear you coming back
and then
i turn and check the phone
nothing - save a dial tone

here I am again
its 1 AM
it feels the same
as it did with him
when you don't know
what to say
you just turn
and run away
leave me curled up
in a ball
preparing for the fall

what's a few more salt lines
drawn
from these blue-weathered eyes?